Oh Warum Nicht?

Overall, not so bad.

2010-09-22T17:44:00.002-05:00

I was a horrible person. I don't like who I was, and I'm changing, or trying to change, for the better.

So the next posts are going to be my account of how it's going.

My last post is disgusting; I have a boyfriend that loves me more than I even knew anyone could love me. I shit on him. I stabbed him in the heart, and for what? A bit of attention. I've been living my life as a 17-year-old whore, basically. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I want to work to be the person I want the be, the person I need to be, the person my amazing boyfriend deserves. Because he doesn't deserve to be treated like shit, like I've treated him. And if I continue doing so, then I don't deserve him.

He's too good for me.

I wanna be on par with him, I wanna be the best girlfriend that I possibly can be for him, and I wanna be as GOOD as I possibly can be in the process.

I've learned from my mistakes, which is more than I can say for a lot of people. I've learned from them, and now I need to move on and try to be a better person.

So here I go.

Hello again, blog. It's been awhile.

2010-06-26T18:14:00.002-05:00

A LONG while. A lot has changed. But we won't get into that. I'll just pretend you've been here all along. Through thick and thin with me, though you haven't. Which is sad, but true.

I'm unsure what to do with myself these days. I feel like a lost little girl in Wal-mart or the grocer's. I'm ready to go home, but I don't know which way home is. I live in LaCrosse, WI, now. Strange, yeah? I thought I'd be millions of miles away by now, but I'm not.

And on one hand, it's wonderful. I have a boyfriend who loves me above all else.

But on the other, well.

I've been thinking lately about when I was in high school and I thought that I'd be engaged to an Irishman or someone with an equally sexy accent by now, and we'd get married and I'd be doing something awesome, like writing for a magazine, or something of that sort, and we'd have a couple of super-smart children, and they'd learn seven million different languages with me, and we'd be awesome together.

Well, I'm not across an ocean. I'm not engaged to a boy with an accent, unless you count Midwestern as an accent. I'm jobless. I have an interview at JCPenney on Monday.

This is my sad life. This is what I have to look forward to.

I wish I could jump off a building an

For Heaven only knows why one loves it so...

2007-12-20T09:47:00.000-06:00

...how one sees it so, making it up, building it round one, tumbling it, creating it every moment afresh; but the veriest frumps, the most dejected of miseries sitting on doorsteps (drink their downfall) do the same; can’t be dealt with, she felt positive, by Acts of Parliament for that very reason: they love life.

Ah, how is it i feel today? not well, in the sense that others would define well. I am well, after all, in my own way. I am, of course, alive and healthy. I am however doing far too much thinking. I can't stop thinking! And of what? Nothing at all, but everything. Everything is beautiful. It is, as much as i hate saying it, i love everything today. The corridors, in which i today witnessed a student toss a wrapper out of her coat pocket. The Library, with all the books and the hushed anticipation of the bell ringing in the end of the hour, the end of this miserable and far too quiet time in this prison. The teachers, who sometimes seem to genuinely care. The student, who are nothing, yet everything, like me.

I have this scrape, if you'll call it as such, on my left hand just where my index finger meets my palm. I think it's from when i slipped on the ice and fell last tuesday with Eliott in front of Texas Roadhouse. I can't be sure, of course, for it didn't even notice it until yesterday afternoon, when it began to sting in pain. It interests me, for some strange reason, though. The texture of it, the location of it... it's unlike anything i've had; it's like when there's a bruise on my finger. It's odd, and a sweet reminder that we''re human. At least for me it is.

Perhaps i'm just insane. Or, perhaps everyone has these thoughts.

I doubt it.

I don't want it to be Thursday. I want it to be Saturday afternoon, so that i can be excited with anticipation for my brother's arrival. Alas, i must sit through another day of shit. I don't see the point of most of my classes. Why am i stuck in intro to law? Why? I've no use for it. sure, it's interesting enough and easy and gives me a bit of knowledge of the legalities of this horrifyingly beautiful country, but i shall move, move away to England, to Scotland, to anywhere but here, where the cold seeps into my bones.

I want my bones to be comfortable, to be warm. To be in california, to be close to Dustin's bones.

"Come with me.

We took a back road.
We're gonna look at the stars.
We took a backroad in my car.
Down to the ocean,it’s only water and sand
And in the ocean we'll hold hands.
But I don't really like you,
apologetically dressed in the best,
but on a heartbeat glide.
Without an answer,
the thunder speaks for the sky,
and on the cold, wet dirt I cry.
And on the cold, wet dirt I cry.

Don’t you wanna come with me?
Don’t you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?It's only natural.

A cinematic vision ensued
like the holiest dream.
It's someone's calling?
An angel whispers my name,
but the message relayed is the same:
“Wait till tomorrow,you'll be fine."
But it's gone to the dogs in my mind.
I always hear them when the dead of night
comes calling to save me from this fight.
But they can never wrong this right.

Don't you wanna come with me?
Don't you wanna feel my boneson your bones?
It's only natural.
Don’t you wanna swim with me?
Don’t you wanna feel my skinon your skin?
It's only natural.
(Never had a lover)I never had a lover
(Never had soul)I never had soul
(Never had a good time)And I never had a good time
(Never got cold)I never got gold.

Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?
It's only natural.
Don't you wanna swim with me? Don't you wanna feel my skin
on your skin?
It's only natural.
Don't you wanna come with me? Don't you wanna feel my bones
on your bones?
It’s only natural.
Come and take a swim with me. Don't you wanna feel my skin
on your skin?
It’s only natural"

Indeed, Killers. It's only natural.

I think that in next hour there's some sort of lady coming in to rescue us from our boredom by raving on and on to us about being a lawyer. I daon't know if i'm up for that. It hink that perhaps i'll sleep though it. that is what i feel up to, sleeping. I hope that we're not actually doing anything in BritLit, as i don't want to. Christ i have so much latework for that class.

I just won't talk to anyone but Dustin tonight. Because i need to make him cookies, and i'd planned on backing in general, as well as catching up on some shit.

How, though?
I shall be up all night.

Oh, i need to stop California dreamin' sometime. It's just going to kill me in the end.

Lovesong (that reminds me of Dustin)

2007-12-18T09:13:00.000-06:00

Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am home again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am whole again
Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am young again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am fun again

However far away i will always love you however
Long i stay i will always love you whatever
Words i say i will always love you i will always
Love you

Whenever i'm alone with you you make me feel
Like i am free again whenever i'm alone with
You you make me feel like i am clean again

However far away i will always love you however
Long i stay i will always love you whatever
Words i say i will always love you i will always
Love you

No sex no drugs no wine no women no fun no me no you no wonder it's dark...

2007-12-18T08:46:00.000-06:00

That's correct, children! no sex! None, not for a whole five months now!

*dies*

scratch that.

*kills someone*

Nickmas is what's keping my hunger held down until june... I can't imagin what will hapen when nickmas is finished...

No drugs is a bit of a lie. Let's not get into that...

No wine. Because i am underage. DAMN YOU, PEOPLE WHO MADE THAT THE LAW!! I did have a glass at my sister's on Thursday night, though. Huzzah.

no women, for i am quite straight. Not nearly as straight as an arrow, though... more like a straight line drawn by a six-year-old. *nods*

No fun, because Ben's moved to motherfucking MADISON to steal all the fun for himself!! Muthafucka. And i havn't got a job or a car. But Jeremy comes home on Sunday, so there is hope yet.

no me, because Dustin hasn't got me.

No you, because i havn't got him.

no wonder it's dark. And cold. And depressing. And I am thoroughly sick of using my hand!

Dustin's besties Brandon and Kristina had a baby girl yesterday. guess what they named her?!

Kayli! i'm kidding. they actually named her Kaylee.
Which is virtually the same damn thing.
I'm proud of them.

Also, Jeremy got married on Friday. So that was interesting. I shall make fun of him to no end when he comes. I must clean the spare room... ugh.

I really don't want Tami to come home, dangit. RAWR, she's such a tard!

Joy's getting a tat on Friday. She wants to get "Alexander" across the top of her nunga. Do you see hy i've tried to talk her out of it?

yep.

Sometimes i wonder about my pallies and their smartnosity.

Ah well.
Mr Hinz is subbing again today. I still really want to kill Kacie or however the fuck you spell the cunt's name, but ah wellzz....oh christ he just walked past.
I think i'm so attracted to him ebcause i havn't had sex in so long, and i usually do like every other week...
And he reminds me of Sting in the video for Don't Stand So Close.

Young teacher, the subject
Of schoolgirl fantasy
She wants him so badly
Knows what she wants to be
Inside her theres longing
This girls an open page
Book marking - shes so close now
This girl is half his age

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Her friends are so jealous
You know how bad girls get
Sometimes its not so easy
To be the teachers pet
Temptation, frustration
So bad it makes him cry
Wet bus stop, shes waiting
His car is warm and dry

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Loose talk in the classroom
To hurt they try and try
Strong words in the staffroom
The accusations fly
Its no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by nabakov

Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me
Dont stand, dont stand so
Dont stand so close to me

Oh how i wish.

Josh is my lady, and I am his man.

2007-12-12T09:42:00.000-06:00

So anyway, i had a far more decent night last night than i've had in a while. Dustin and i spoke on the phone for ages and it was great. We just sat and told stories to eachother and fucked about. I love that i can fuck with him and he fucks right back. I put up with his bullshit, and he puts up with mine. We even like it.

The school has blocked all means of real internet access. I can no longer (until someone comes up with another proxy) get access to myspace or anything decent, and it takes me ages just to get onto this. I think that i might possibly go home and after doing homework and making something yummy to eat simply attempt to make my own proxy. I wonder if that'd work? Probably not, but hell, it's worth a try.

I don't know what the fuck i'm gonna do about my lack of sex. I mean, there's always masturbation, but let's face it - that's just NOT the same!! I'm debating steve. But i don't want anyone but Dustin. That and Steve has a girlfriend. whose name is also Kayli, only it's spelled Kaylea. ARGH i'm going fucking nuts!

Ah well. At least i'll get some weed sometime in the near future. likely today or tomorrow. Hopefully today sometime, like after school or something. My back hurts so bad. And people aren't exactly helping that by making me wake up in the morning.

Speaking of that, Josh and i were chillin at my house yesterday and Tory came round and hung out for a bit and was talking to us and acting like we were her friend, and whatever. It was okay, but Josh is the type of person who if he feels comfortable with the person, he'll tell-all... and tory's the type that she'll act like your friend, but then she'll tell everyone. Cunt, right? but yeah, so she went outside or something and i told josh what was up.

then we took josh home (dad and i) and Tory took me out to fucking Kroll's when i got home. Randomly. I was like, what the fuck?? seriously, it's not like she's my favourite or something. Josh, who is sitting behind me reading this, just informed me that he has never been to Kroll's. I seriously do not believe that. I fucking love Kroll's, it's the greasiest shit food you'll find anywhere. Yummmm... Just thinking about it makes me hungry.

Okay josh is really bothering me, so cheers.

California Dreamin'

2007-12-10T09:40:00.001-06:00

OKAY SO I FUCKING HATE THIS MUTHERFUCKING TOWN!!! I totally didn't mean to put that in all caps, but it happened, and i'm like, yeah, that's about how i feel. I miss Dustin like none other, and i think i'm just about to explode.

I got the damned report card today, and i'm failing. horribly. Which is crap, but i know that i just need to turn shit in. In brit liti can get my grade up in a new york minute. i'll do some shit tonight. Miller's too. Sociology is another story, lol... I need to make up a load of shit in there, and the teacher's a cunt that thinks basically i've been simply skipping, that i'm not in an excruciating about of pain in the fucking mornings...

why doesn't school start at a normal time?? like nine?
For some reason Josh is really pissing me off. I think my you-know-what is coming.

Eliott got me a signed Franz disc for Chrimbo. I nearly pissed myself when i saw it... he had it all taped open in a box so that when i opened the box i would see the signatures... oh GOD it's so awesome. it's like, seriously orgasmic. I could hold that in my hand and wank legitimately with the other.

Poor kid thinks he still has a chance...
I mena, of course i'm gonna keep him around. After all, he can get me backstage to anywhere, tickets to anything, andeverything in between! That and his stupidity never fails to cheer me up a bit.
Damn. I'm going straight to hell.

I got mad at dustin yesterday because he totally wasn't paying attention when i was tellin ghim about my back, and I hung up pretty promptly with him, with the intention of calming down and then calling him back, right? well, guess what he does?

CALLS JOSH!

Yeah. That just shows how much he fucking loves me. I love him so damn much. I wish he didn't have to work so freaking much, though. I mean, i barely get to talk to him anymore.

I'm bored, i'm gonna look at photos or something. Cheers.

I'm So Excited!!

2007-11-30T10:01:00.001-06:00

Eliott's coming today after school. he's actually gonna skip his eighth hour so that he can get here sooner. I'm so friggin excited, though. i can't wait for him to come, though, seriously. and i know that he can't wait either. if he calls me at any point during the day, i'm just gonna answer my phone. josh wants to come and hang out for a while after school, he proposed ordering deli-more. i vote yes on that one. have i mentioned that im damn excited for him to come here?? i hope he speeds here sot hat he can pick me up from school. i really don't want to walk home, especially in these heels. But yeah...

i can't wait.

must run, bell's gonna ring.

Light A Fire Under Your Arse.

2007-11-23T14:27:00.001-06:00

Sometimes you just gotta say "what the fuck?"

I love people. People are hilarious. Especially, apparently, Religious people! So Caleb read my blog from this morning and totes freaked on me it was bloody hilarious, you don't even know. here:

"i just read ur blog, and i must say my thoughts of you were much higher, now your interested in a 29 year old married man. :-/ that is kinda messed up. and also i just called u and u didn't answer. the more i learn about you the more it kind of frustrates me.

you know what, I was talking to you last night and you said "hold on ill call youright back" you didn't call me backi had to call you back. and now i read ur blog that you were talking tothat married guy. man i seriously don't want to talk to you anymore lets just leave it at that. goodbye

don't call me any more please, im just totally disgusted your into a married man. HE'S MARRIED why areyou calling a married man? or letting him call you? if you were married would you want ur husband to be calling a 18 year old girl and have him wanting to hang out with her? i want to vomit seriously. w/e though dig your own grave with your life. bye "

And then he just kept raving on and on and i was like, dude, let it the fuck go, it's not as huge as you think. But yeah... too funny.

Dennis is ill, poor thing. he woke up with a sore throat yesterday and it gradually got worse during the day, today he feels especially like ass. poor thing. but i got this from him:

"i miss you to baby and i wish i felt better this freakin sux i was coughing all night people kept calling me(i didnt care that you called me cause i answered when you called) but when other people did i just hung up but yea i like the new hair style i did so how are you doin baby xoxoxoxoxoXOXOXOXOXO"

too cute. i miss him. he should just come here so that i can take care of him.

daddy called a bit ago, said he was on his way to come get me thank jesus. i'm ready to go do something. and i want to get my hair done... it feels weird, because i let it dry and go all curly on its own and i used baby shampoo.... it feels really light. so anyway, off i go laughing on my fast camel.

i love you all. even you, Caleb.

Can i have that nook?

2007-11-23T08:33:00.000-06:00

the answer i got in regards to that question was *shakes head* "i'm not done yet", it was pretty funny. She's sooo cute, my neice. Sometimes a little monster, but otherwise pretty damned cute. so the rest of my day was pretty interesting.
I don't even know what to say about most of it. My sister Tory has decided to buy a house across the street from her in-laws. which is bloody hilarious by itself, but then they totally got jacked on the price. thy shouldn't have paid any more than like 70,000 or so, but they ended up paying 99,000. The house is really small and still needs a bit of work done. it's hilarious, the entire situation.

so here i am, i've been up since 5.30 AM, watching aladdin for the third time. I would love to go back to sleep... i can't wait until i can go shower.

Last night i ended up talking to my bassist until like 12is or so, i don't remember, then talking to a 29 year old married man. he's gorgeous. and suprisingly enough, i quite like him. we sat on the phone for a while last night, and he sent me some photos. it was interesting, to say the least. but he's pretty great. i can't wait to hang about with him. he's moving to two rivers or whatever, so he'll be closer than he is now.

Also, Corey called me incredibly drunk last night, so that was fucking hilarious. he was going on and on about how the bar he wa at was practically a gay bar and how he didn't hit on any girls because he likes me and the girls who were there weren't as cute as me. he's adorable, really.

I love boys. sooo much more than girls. girls are just catty bitches. fuck girls.
anyhoo. i'm bored, i'm off to make something to snack on and watch Aladdin. lmfao. i love you all, xoxox.

I do yeahhh...

2007-11-22T14:10:00.000-06:00

WOW. okay.

Yesterday i hung out with the band a little and attempted tothink up band names, and it didn't work, but we decided that if all else fails, no worrries, because we still love each other.

Then i went to coffee, and driving about, talking with Caleb. I had a suprising amount of fun, and i know that he did too. Or at least i hope he did. then i get this message from him on myspace:

"hey: i just wannna telll you, i don't think its a good idea that we hang out again, cuz i might start liking you and that won't work. Is that ok? I hope you understand "

and then another one...

"and: plz don't be mad cuz of this, i will still call u though :) only if u want "

I'm like, what the motherfuck??????

Boys. Who needs them?

So then my dad informs me that he won't be putting any Chrimbo lights out except for A FUCKING DEER AND A TREE!!!

*cries*

I called breanna, which perhaps i shouldn't have, because i cracked and asked if she wanted to come with to mandy's with me...it's not like i don't want her to, but i don't want to be blown off again, i mean she could just say no. but perhaps we'll mold our friendship yet again. Fuck i'm hungry. i just got finished looking at Corey's art, and you know what? he's pretty fucking good! i'm gonna show Bre tonight if we hang out. if not then i'll show someone else....like Dennis or someone. FUCK! why does this day have to start out so crappy???

I love Damien Rice. I really wish he wouldn't go into hiding.

Oh, the hell of it all.

2007-11-21T09:34:00.000-06:00

So anyway. I don't even want to go into last night. It was just horrifying and...ugh!

Caleb makes me feel ten million times better. I called him first, for some weird reason (perhaps i secretly like him ? hahaha.) perhaps i should've called Dustin. But he likey was already settling down for beddy. Poor thing has to work darn early in the morning, because he has to commute to Santa barbara. Oh how i miss him.
Why hasn't Dennis called me back? i don't mean to go all psycho girl on his arse, but seriously, an entire 24 hours with no sign of him whatsoever. i don't know how many hilarious messages i left him, but i do know that there were quite a few and i would've called me back by now. Basically i just hope he's alrighty.
I know what would make me feel better (besides a hug from my brother, a smoke, and some good music in the car while i'm driving). A talk with Greyson. that boy is just too damn cute for his own good, and the wonderful thing about it is that he doesn't even know it.
I am, despite what happened at home, incredibly "thankful", lol, for having off tomorrow and the next day. At least i'll be able to sleep in tomorrow. And heaven knows i will! I skipped the first two hours today because i felt like if i didn't get more sleep i was just going to go to school, and like, sit there and cry or punch out a freshman or something. Or perhaps even both, and then where would i be? in bomber's office, that's where. I'd almost rather chew off a finger or two than go in there (i said almost).
Apparently Josh saw homeboy. That alarms the hell out of me. I don't even know how to decribe how ill that makes me. Yuck. What a mistake that was.
My filling has broken off of my tooth, and it hurts like a mutha. You don't even know. I'll need to call the dentist tonight or tomorrow...great.
Josh has this boyfriend who "has a big dick...i sucked it. kayli it's like 11 inches!" and this boy's so stupid he's buying josh an ipod! what the hell? where does he find these guys? why can't i find me a sugar daddy? Why AND I MEAN WHYYYYY!? is josh getting more booty than me?!?!?!

Now that's just fucked up.
off i go to ignore more homework, while laughing on my fast camel.
guten tag

This is the Strangest Life I've Ever Known.

2007-11-18T11:00:00.000-06:00

I'm in an amazing mood this morning. I feel like perhaps, because i'm so damn good at it, i should indeed be a mum. But for now i'll settle for being the greatest Auntie Kayli in the history of the universe.
I put on a bunch of music and Riley and Ty and i just danced about maniacally for a couple hours.

Now Ty's down and i'm making some mac & cheese for Riley and i...
So anyway. I've left the computer like 80 million times and now i'm back, riley's sitting watching Meet The Robinsons again while eating yet another sucker...
I love it.

If you've never seen Meet the Robinsons, you should definitely make it a point to see it, because it's grrrreat! i really like the soundtrack, as well.
I don't know that i'll be playing any shows this weekend...i just don't really feel up to it. I feel like the band needs more practise....and a NAME! I found out that Lustra is indeed a real band. Which is crap. Not the band, but the fact that they are indeed a real band. In real life. It makes me sad, because they've got an awesome name.

do you realise?...

2007-11-16T20:00:00.000-06:00

...that everyone you know someday will die? and instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realise that life goes fast, its hard to make the good things last...

ao anyway. here i am with my pally niggabish Joy, chillin and being fangirly. and talking to damn cute, albeit dumb, boys.

Thats all, really. Except that im damn excited about taking the COACH BUS to milwaukee, lol. HAHA madame. i feel like i should call her and just say "coach bus" and then hang up. that would be damn funny.

off i go then, away laughing on a fast camel. cheers, kitties.

Mmm Mmm Good!

2007-11-16T09:32:00.000-06:00

We last hour were watching a video about myths or something like that and Caleb, you would've enjoyed it. He wa going on and on about all different types of religions and how really they're all just made from myth, and myth is the center of our culture, as is religion and economics, blah blah blah... no it was actually pretty interesting though, the man was hilarious. he compared a computer to God. Which that itself, in my opinion, it bloody hilarious. But his last name was Campbell, so we were saying that they should interrupt everything, i.e. him going on about religion, with him singing a little song about Campbell's Tomato Soup..."possibilities!" lmfao.

So that was a good time. And in Sociology in first hour we made up lists of the sexes. The grils and the boys got separated and we made up lists on:

good things about boys
bad things about boys
good things about girls
bad things about girls

so basically we just sat and complained about all the crap we ahve to do because we're girls, and also made fun of boys all hour! it was really great, a wonderful Friday morning activity. Great to get the juices flowing. LMFAO.

I just took a break in writing to translate something for Dennis in French just now, and it was terrible. It reminded me of just how crap i am at french.

I don't know if im finished with my Simon and Garfukel kick yet. I want to be, but then i listen to America and become addidcted yet again. I'm currently listening to Eleanor Put Your Boots On by Franz Ferdinand.

I like this song, but not as much as their angry songs, like Evil and a Heathen or YCHISMB. Or well that was easy, because i love that line that goes...

"well i used to lock myself in your bathroom, swallowing the codeine kept for your back, numb, so numb, i let your words, come and come..."

I LUUURVE THEM!! but, sadly, the bell will ring at any second. sadface, i know. i love you all.

yes, Caleb, you can call me later this weekend. Tonight would eb good.

English Tea in an Asian Cup

2007-11-15T19:12:00.000-06:00

Indeed, my friends, i am currently, while listening to You Could Have It So Much Better by Franz, drinking English tea out of a cup which if i'm correcto came from China, which i brewed in a Japanese cast-iron pot which my sister sent me for my birthday. I feel really stupid. i should be drinking green tea! sigh...

My dad's back is so bad today that he finally cracked and went to a chiropractor, which is amazing. My dad neverever goes anywhere, let alone a doctor. So i'm likely staying home from coffee with Caleb (sounds like a daytime television series) because feck knows if i don't, dadl'' need me for some reason or another and then he'll have to get up or something. Or he'll just take it as a slap in the face and an "i don't bloody care that your back hurts, bitch, imonna do what i want. ohsnap" or something. Which sucks huge ballz, as i wanted to go tonight. It would've been fun. And tomorrow and the day after that and likely the day after as well, i shall be busy. Like a busy thing on to-do tablets.

This tea is beginning to get disgusting. I wish i had some green tea. Or some money to go and buy some green tea. Or a pally who would bring me some green tea.

I think i'm revisiting my Simon and Garfunkel kick. I can't stop listening to America, and this'll be the second time through on the list of S & G songs on my computer. I took a short Franz break, of course, which is slightly along the same lines of a cigarette break, but since it's too cold out currently, i'll settle for Franz.

Greyson is simply adorable. He posted a bulletin today of him describing the scene in what appeared to be some sort of computer room at his school... it was so awesome. It's what the rest of us are thinking, but he says it. I love people like that. Like Tony in my Intro to Law class... He makes these really strange noises and says the strangest things in the middle of class... they're like those little squeaky noises that you can make by putting your lip against your teeth and gently sucking in the air, the noise people make when they're usually at home, bored, and completely out of it.
It's not like anything else.

And so i shall go and be depressed all on my owney. guten abent.

i wonder if the dangerously cute boy will read this?

2007-11-15T09:53:00.000-06:00

i'm pretty excited about going to coffee with him, he's much more interesting than most boys i've encountered.
I am currently listening to josh rave on as usual, as well as America by Simon and Garfunkel..."i said be careful his bowtie is really a camera...toss me a cigarette i think there's one in my raincoat. We smoked the last one an hour ago. ohhhmmmm... so i looked at the scenery, she read her magazine... the moon rose over an open field. Kathy im lost i sai though i knew she was sleeping..."

thats my favourite Simon and Garfunkel song. I love it. It's in Almost Famous, and every time it comes on i just totally get lost in it. So i didn't go to school right away this morning because i had quite a large headache, so i called myself in and took the first couple hours off. But then Dad came home because his back hurts, and he was like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STILL HOME!?!! i almost pissed myself, i was preactically dead when he screamed that up the stairs at me. Manohman.
Ben wants me to go with him for a while after school, but i totally don't want to. I so don't feel like being macked on by a hot guy. LOL. that didn't come out right, it sounded better in my head. Ich weis nicht... i guess i just don't like him as much as i used to. After he ... ah well.

Josh just asked me what i would do if i found out my dad had a girlfriend...i told him i'd kill my dad. which i would. I would murder him. But no worries, i know that he would never even think about anything of that sort...he loved my mum too much.
But seriously. I should probably go see what i missed in my first two classes, but... i'm far too lazy.
I am pretty pumped about coffee tonight, though. I'm not even sure if i'll be able to go, though, because of my dad. He's likely gonna ground me, or at least that's what josh thinks. i dunno....

all i know is that i'd love a cigarette.
So Mason... i don't even know. Josh just called him and i believe he answered, but...agh. He wants me to meet his girlfriends and whatnot, and that's really the only way for anything to go on between us. not sexually, but asfriends. he really...i dont even wanna talk about it. it's just stupid. Boys are so stupid. no offense or anything.
bell's gonna ring. i love you all, and to all a goodnight.

oh, one more thing. my horoscope said that my opinions are right and good and everything, but that no-one would listen to them today. thats sucks balls.

Notes from the Faghag

2007-11-13T09:59:00.000-06:00

Okay so first i must say this:
things are not always as they seem. Remeber the guy i told you about the other day? the one that was practically a stalker? Yeah, he's bloody hot as hell!! mmmhmm, niggaz, you don't even know. He's damn persistent, as well. Not in the way that you're proabably thinking, ....well, okay, yeah.

But anyway. I didn't get really any sleep again last night. i think i got like two hours, tops. I skipped first hour.
In Miller's, in AP Lit and Comp, we're doing a goddamned two-essay Exam, and the exam had these crazy multiple choice questions that i had no idea what the hell i was talking about. i felt like a freakin fifth grader. i seriously need to expand my brain and take in all this shit i'm supposed to be learning in these classes.

Tonight i'm gonna go see P2 with joshuaaaa, so that should be a hoot. I havn't been to see a movie in forever, and movies with josh are always hilarious. no matter what. Why? because he's josh. You know you love me (Joshua's bitch ass) Yeah josh insists upon typing shit in my blogs
even though he has his own.

So we just had a goddamn fire drill.
WHY?!?!
i dont understand the concept of a fire drill in the middle of fucking winter. it makes me want to kill the principal. I was all like "who's idea was this!?" and she all looked at me all cunt-like and was like "MINE." i wanted to slap the ugly right off that bitch.

czech ya later, i've found a proxy to myspace.

the truth about porn.

2007-11-12T09:50:00.000-06:00

so i finally have logged onto this mutha. anyhoo, i've been talking to a lot of boys on myspace and somehow all of them have my number. i blame Jack, personally, the mothafucka. he likely gave this guy "nathan" my number. okay, so Nathan is like this crazed freak of a guy, he's built like a godamn bodybuilder, and he has two girlfriends who live with him in a condo and do whatever he wants them to. it scares the fuck out of me.
On the other hand, i've been (willingly) talking to this guy Dennis, i call him Ace. he's really sweet, and just geeky enough to be liked by me. He can play guitar and all that shit, so there's a perk. Anyhoo, i dunno. I'm gonna fucking kill Dustin. Seriously!!

He's going out with five women at one time!!!! and one of them is named Cashmere!!!!! What in the fuck!? i don't even know what to say about that. it makes me want to rip off his beautiful extremities. Fucker.
But anyway... i need to find a fucking job. any suggestions?
I also need to get laid. I think I have sour pussy. (Joshua) Please, no suggestions there, thank you kindly.

God damn i want to kill josh sometimes. did y'all see what he wrote??? Jesus.

Anyway, i'll leave you all ont his note:

"kill me now, kill me now kill me now kill me now..."
cheers, kittens.

i hope you stay, american baby.

2007-10-24T11:02:00.001-05:00

third hour, in the fucking LMC. God damn i fucking hate this place. i used to love it to pieces, but i cannot stand the cunt that calls herself the librarian. Anyhoo. Josh and i decided that we were going to be late today. I completely skipped first hour, and shouldn't have, because apparently we had a substitute and watched a film about convicts or something that was highly entertaining. ah well, shit happens. Karma, really.
So tomorrow i get to sleep, thank baby jesus and bhudda. Today i really desperately just wanted to sleep, i didn't even shower so that i could sleep in a little. Tomorrow i'm not getting up for anyone until i'm good and ready. Sleep deprivation should be, like, against the law. i should sue the school because of it. BASTARDS!
okay there's my rant. Dad said that we're going to Nakoosa on the fourteenth to likely get wood. Basically i'm just gonna sit in the great outdoors listening to music and whatnot. It's better than going to school, especially on a day like that, where i'll be a goddamn wreck of a human. Dad's not gonna give me the car. I asked him if i could pay for it once i got a job, and he said no. Fucker. I'm really quite pissed, but at the same time i understand. I'll get a car after i get a job and save a bit of money. Dad better pay for half of it, or else... well i don't know what else, but i'll be dangerously pissed!
I want to do something fun this weekend, but without a car that's virtually impossible. David won't be here until monday night, and i don't know... i suppose i could call Josh and Kaitlyn, but i feel like i'm mooching off them a lot. Perhaps i'll sit on the computer all weekend. I need to get those damn photos printed out... i don't know why the fuck dad can't do it himself, as i'll likely fuck something up terribly and my face will come out bright green or something. Oh well. I want to fuck about with my myspace as well, and make it cooler. I'll maybe make another collage of junk for my wall... I've got all those photos in that folder that i printed off at the beginning of the year, after all. And i have an essay to write on Cinderella... which should be a hoot and a half.
Sunday dad and i are gonna clean out the basement, which should be interesting. i'll likely end up killing myself. i want to, because i'd like to be able to have that area all nice and whatever so that i can have a nice warm spot in the house to sit in the cold-ass winter. But i don't know dad's plans for it. He wants to get a new bed, so i want him to put the old bed downstairs so that it can be like another spare bedroom for when Jeremy and Melissa come home, and Tami as well. That way Tami can sleep upstairs in the small bed and Jeremy can have the big nice one. I'm thinking of re-arranging the room upstairs so that it doesn't look so stupid. The layout is fucked up, the bed is in the middle of the room... I should also clean out the attic. I wish Dad would let me re-arrange the furniture in the living room. Mom would be going insane, she'd have changed it like eight times by now. It really bothers me.
The class is going to end soon, and then i'm off to Intro To Law, the class that i didn't sign up for. Oh well, it's pretty damn easy. Cheers for now.

a long time

2007-10-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

it's been a while, i know. But i've been busy and not really on the computer. It was my birthday on the fifteenth, and that was alright. the sunday before that i celebrated with my family. Mandy spent like a load of money on me, as well as she took Josh and i to the packer game. Sad, but true...we had fun.
My dad got me a record player, finally, and that was wonderful. I've been using it virtually nonstop, and i fucking love records! they're so much more intimate, you know? I love the smell of the vinyl as well. I bought Beatles' Abbey Road and Yo La Tengo's "i am not afraid of you and i will beat your ass", which is bloody brilliant. I've been really into Yo La Tengo lately. I also got back all my records from breanna, and she didn't even put up a fight! i couldn't believe it, i thought that i was gonna have to put up my fists and begin to duel, but alas! peace ensued! Which is always nice when you don't feel like fighting for anything.
Here i sit now, in third hour study hall on Bielen's computer in her room because she's gone to get lunch and i'm protecting her room from burglars and freshmen. The sophomores hve their gay-ass testing, WKCE or whatever, to do this morning and tomorrow morning, so i get to come to class late and not be marked tardy. Then on Thursday and Friday i've got off!! hurray!!
Dad told me yesterday while we were grocery shopping (oh god i'm so fucking hungry....but i need to save my money for smokes, so...oh balls!) He told me that he was gonna take off for mom's birthday next month, and i was like oh gott, because it falls on a wednesday... we might go somewhere. bee's back, check in later.

Monday, fucking Monday.

2007-10-08T20:16:00.000-05:00

oh sweet Big G, why the hell did you invent Mondays? Was it even you who did this awful thing? Or was it like, the Romans or something, who invented everything else? Hmm...

Actually, for a monday, it was quite lovely. Josh and i went to Auto Haus on Velp and test-drove an arseload of cars with cute dealer boy Pete. I'd love to get into Pete's pants, but sadly it would be illegal as i am underage for another week and he's got a girlfriend, apparently. Sadface, i know. But girlfriends can always be taken out.

anyhoo. i met this boy brandon on myspace, right?
and he ends up being my really sweet and cute and funny and so-into-me ex-next-door-neighbor!
so hooray for me.

i've been talking to him for a few hours now. he's so sweet and funny.
but he won't call me which is weird. but oh well.

my back is killing me so gute nacht, meine pallies.

Fabulously Exhausted.

2007-10-02T21:50:00.000-05:00

Seriously. What the hell is up with people insisting that i wake up in the morning? I hate those people, and they should die. I actually called myself in so that i could get an extra hour of sleep this morning. That's how sad my life is.
Today i went to my sister's after school with dad so that i could watch the kids whilst she got some running about done and rob and dad got wood. and seriousl! those kids are too fucking cute. Ty is starting to want to crawl, which is good, and riley's way smarter than all the other two-year-olds of this world.
The librarian kicked Josh and i out last week Friday and i got wrote up for not going back to study hall, the cunt. So apparently, the bastards are supposed to send referrals to the parental units, only i didn't know about this until this year, because in previous years i've had Draheim, the wonder-principal, and gorgeous guy, to save me from bitches like her. but he's gone now and i've got a dumbass gay man for a principal. He wants me to APOLOGISE to the fucking librarian!! for talking in the library! seriously. no. i will not. is what i should've said. instead i lied and told him i would. watch me get written up for that too. what is this world coming to? i can't wait to get the fuck out of that hellhole. i'll admit, i'll miss most of the teachers and a lot of the kids, but i will not miss the politics. bastards.
I love mixdiscs and soundtracks. Especially soundtracks that have some dialogue from the film adapted into part of the song (preferably the beginning or end). I love making mixdiscs as well. It's like my favourite pastime.
Tomorrow i've got to go to my senior meeting thing. Which i want to cut myself over, emo-style. I really don't like going into my counselor's office, it reminds me of being interrogated and i always come out feeling like shit. I'm debating just going in there to talk about my maths class and then being like i can deal with the rest of the crap on my own, i don't need your help and i don't see why you need to know what i'm gonna do with my life. because no matter what i say, it'll change in a year or less anyway. I'm taking a year off to find myself and breathe. Then, if i havn't found where i want to live andwork, i will likely pay (through my ass) my way through uni. That's really all you need to know, because i know you don't care anyway. ...Actually, prehaps i will work up the nerve to tell him that. or maybe i'll write it in a letter. We shall see.
I miss Benjamin desperately. I wish he'd come home for my birthday, because it seems like i havn't seen him in years. I seriously love him, and totes want to marry him.
Then tomorrow after school i hang with Josh.
Thursday, mom'd friend Barb is coming to take me shopping and then she's taking dad and i out for dinner. I'm totes excited, i really like Barb, and it'll give me a chane for some actual time with someoneelse other than Josh.
Jesus i miss Ben. It's not like i don't love Josh, but i'd really love to just hang with someone else. Chris won't answer his phone since i fucked him, i've broken up with Jeff... ugh.

Off i go to beddy.

OMG! JOSH JUST CALLED! APPARENTLY BEN'S COMING HOME FOR MY BDAY AND HE BOUGHT ME A RING! ....wait. he bought me a ring?? holy shit. he's gay. at least he was when he left. what the hell???

It's Tuesday.

2007-09-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

My day went suprisingly well. I'm almost a bit concerned about it, really, as i rarely have this decent of a day. I should really take days off more often than this, it's a beautiful thing. Dangerously beautiful.

I'll start with yesterday, because it was alrighty. i woke up much too early, all i wanted to do is go back to sleep. i stayed home, slept until about 11, made lunch and watched Perfume, which is completely insane. then i went upstairs with a huge bowl of cookies and cream ice cream laced with four or five oreos to watch Shaun of the Dead to get me in a better mood. That is one seriously hilarious movie. Then on to the Grocery with Vati, then to Sam's to get a huge thing of nuts because my Vati's an insane nut-eater, and then back home.

Today was much more exciting, i suppose one would say.

In First Hour we watched a Nighline Documentary about "the Lost Boys", about these refugees from the Sudan or whateva. It was pretty interesting, we watched it to get an idea of what culture shock can be, and they had a severe case of culture shock. it was much more interesting to hear their stories of what they'd been through, because they'd seen so much death and so much gore, it was horrible. here's a bit of their story that i found on youtube. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must've been like for them, growing up, simply surviving, with virtually no hope left, danger around every corner, whether it be from guns and people or from claws and lions. When i think about what they've been through i just feel fat and lazy, and it makes me want to do something. But what the fuck can i do? I'm a seventeen year old girl from Wisconsin. What sort of part do i play in the world right now? the answer is that, basically, i don't.

Second hour, Mr Wolcott, the French sub, was there, and he wrote our daily directions on the board IN CODE! He's completely insane, but it's cool. it switched things up a bit, yo. we had to read these really fucked over short stories: One was about this girl named Faye and it was basically part of a raunchy love novel; i thought the "tanned Texan" named Rai or whateva was gonna toss her down and have his way with her at any moment. I was a bit alarmed that we were even reading something like that in class, when i got to the next story. This one was about a woman who was severely depressed and/or psychotic, and therefore needed to be druged and sleep basically all day. in the end of the story her husband walks into her room and finds her dead, which was a nice end to the shitty story about her miserable plight of psychonosity.

Also in Miller's, Reb and Beav got the skit about "decorum" finished. a link is here. It's motherfucking hilarious. PRAISE JESUS!!

Third hour was spent nearly getting kicked out of the Library while planning my Road Trip with Josh. I'm totes Excited, mostly to see Lusk, Seattle, San Fran and Everything on the way to and at Vegas. The LMC whatsit people, the ladies that go "SHH! THIS IS A LIBRARY!" to everyone and threaten to send us back to Study Hall, they were especially grumpy today, which is a switch from last Friday, when we discussed at full volume our road trip with them. Perhaps they need to get laid.

Fourth hour was exceptional, as i had anoter substitute, this one being the South African, Logan Naidoo, who can balance desks and chairs on his finger. We spent all hour "studying", which consitsted of listening to him ramble on about how teaching was his second choice, his first being a writer, but all the writers in South Africa at that time were being brutally abused and such for talking bad about the South African Government and such, which is horrible. When he was eight or five or something like that he moved to England until he was 21, then he came here. he's still a citizen of South Africa, because SA is one of the only countries that doesn't allow joint citizenship, and so he chooses to be a legal alien here, and a citizen there, even though he hasn't lived there in forever and a day. But we had fun listening to him go on and watching him balance things. Tomorrow i have a test in that class, which is horrifying. i hate tests. Especially tests on Law and such like that, because i always blank out and fail.

In Brit Lit we've begun Beowulf, the epic poem-story about a boring egotistical asshole who rips off a monster's arm and hangs it on his cieling. I felt for the monster. The story is indeed epic, but seriously boring. I want to read Oscar Wilde. Miss Sylvester mentioned him today, because one of the Lost Boys asked why men don't hold hands when they walk down the street, because apparently it's common there, showing affection (which i think is seriously awesome) like that, and Sylv. said that it likely was made taboo when Oscar Wilde's trial about his homosexuality was made public and homophobia started. It made me really want to read some Oscar wilde. Which is why i've included so many links to his work and photos and such.

This one's my favourite.

Anyhoo. Dad really hates the cunt what he works with. He came home a bit early for lunch and i asked him how work was going and he was like "i don't even want to talk about it." I'm about ready to go in there and brutally murder Shelly or whatever the fuck her name is. she's a cunt!

In French i nodded off during this horrible movie called Sabrina. The original has Audrey Hepburn in it, but we didn't watch the original, and i wanted to kill myself because the girl was really annoying in the beginning. But instead of killing myself i fell asleep. It's hard not to in a class with all the lights off and no windows.

French, though it is indeed my favourite class and i love madame to pieces, is getting me mowhere fast. i feel like i know nothing, and the German foreign exchange student Patrick, who's had six or so years of Froggie, showed me that miserably. So i'm going to dig about for my library card (or possibly drag dad over there to get a new one...do i have to pay for it?) and pop down to the Libby to get those discs that you repeat after so that i can brush up. Et aussi, i want to learn Spanish, German, and whatever else looks good over there. Then i can put that on my resume, if i ever go anywhere and get a job that requires me to speak a different language. Which i doubt will ever happen, but you never know.

In Maths i fucked about with Ray and made fun of Jordan because he's totes gay. I don't have anything against gays, in fact i love them, but it's just funny because he doesn't know he's gay. So we do the forty-year-old-virgin quote, "you wanna know how i know you're gay?" The teacher was totes out to get us today but Hairo totally stuck up for us. I was like "Note to self: stick up for Hairo if at all possible". It was totes sweet.

After school, Jeff wanted to do something today, but i really just felt like coming home and veggin out, niggas. Seriously. Dad and i went to DQ for dinner because he had a leftover giftcard, and it was a lot of fun. Well, it was a nice dinner, at least. He never once mentioned any of my problems, he was mostly focused on his own. which was depressing but quite a nice change. He really hates his work. I'm tempted to go in there and be like "listen up, cunts, be nice to my daddy or i'll sodomize you with a blow dryer!!!" hahahah i totally just made that up on the spot and it's bloody brilliant, if i don't say so myself. I'm sure the lack of you will agree. But really, i just feel so damn bad for the guy. I mean, he just fucking lost his wife, the least the cunt could be to him is civil. If this keeps up i'll go in there and bitch them out. Cunts.

Speaking of cunts, Rays is out of business. Which sucks my nonexistant cock and hairy ballz. Why? beacuse Bee is putting her foot down with a firm hand or something. i unno really. and she won't tell me who's supposed to take it over. she's such a fuckface sometimes, but i love her still.

Also dad informed me of an acronym for cunt:

C U Next Tuesday. I thought it was brilliant. I'm totally going to use it, because i can go around shouting it at school like some sort of loon on loon tablets and no-one will know.

Well off i go to feed my face some more before blowing off my homework then going to beddy.

Das ist alles for now, folks. Gute nacht, bon soir, erm...ciao.